You never saw us. We had the bag over your head, you in the van, and the van down to the waterfront warehouse before you could say anything. You struggled exactly as much as you'd secretly always imagined you would: not that much, when you knew the risk.

You didn't need us to say it—you knew we might kill you. You're smart, which is what we counted on. You had probably never considered, until the cusp of that dazzling moment, how difficult it really is to kidnap stupid people. They scream and bite and try to fight you cuffed or blind. You understood straight away that you had several abductors, that they wanted you alive, which made cooperation your best and only bet.

Thank you for cooperating.

To be perfectly honest: We're prepared to wait a long time on this. We have an impressive cache of snacks. We can't let you look at them, but give us an idea of the snack you prefer and we'll offer several options. We'll endeavor to make you comfortable; your suffering is not in the interests of our cause.

Perhaps you know a good party game? We're terribly fond of a few, but it's always good to learn new ones. Our favorite is called "Werewolf," where you pick a werewolf, and—well, first you pick a narrator, and he or she picks a werewolf—your eyes have to be closed, of course—everybody's in a circle, and . . . you know what? Don't worry about it.

You're going to think we're stupid, you're going to laugh, when we tell you what this is all about. Lord, it's stupid. You can't see it, but my accomplice here, oh boy, is he giving me a look. Ha! He hates that I'm saying "accomplice." God, I wish you could see him. Or her! You might have been kidnapped by a whole bunch of ladies.

Look, have you been kidnapped before? I'm—we're—just feeling sort of flushed. Not nervous, it's just not every day you, uh, we, abduct the son of a, well, you remember whose son you are. Do you? It's slipping my mind right now. You are important, I'm sure of that. Your someone's son. I mean, right? OK, don't answer that. Remain perfectly quiet. Not a sound. Yes, yes, like that—very good. Soundless. Very . . . mute.

Let's at least speak a bit, yeah? I'll go crazy if there's nobody to talk to this whole lousy week. Happy to speak on topics of your choosing, believe me. I happen to enjoy a variety of topics. Doesn't have to be sports. By the way, nice coat you're wearing. I feel like I'm always looking for a coat like that. Mind if I try it on?
   
I don't exactly want to admit this operation has gone wrong, but I'm not sure how else to put it. If I speak like this to the practice mannequin, who knows what I'd say to the actual guy. Crap, that totally sucked.

There's lots I haven't figured out. Lots of the world I haven't seen. Whose fault is that. I've been hard on you, but I've been harder on myself. You must assume I have things together. You'd be surprised. A man doesn't get here without making some mistakes. Then again, this is turning into a desperate era.

My plan won't cut the mustard, no way. Give it up. Go somewhere else. Oslo, go to Oslo, Norway. Or is Stockholm better. The fact is you could drop me in one or the other and I wouldn't know the difference. I'll just go wherever's cheaper.