Dear Alice,

We wouldn't be writing unless we needed your help. Our hallowed institution, despite all it has done to foster compelling, essential discourse—and to enshrine the values of reason in our humble but vibrant community—is under threat. We have been here before, and we will face these challenges again. But, as always, it is up to members like you to make the difference.

We know that you work hard for what you have, and that makes it all the more difficult to ask for a monetary donation. Those of you who can give always do so freely, and for that we are incredibly grateful. Those under greater financial pressure still find ways to support our cause, whether by volunteering their time or simply helping us reach others in tune with our aims.

But there are other ways to make your voice heard, and your commitment whole, and that's what we'd like to address today. We can do without your financial assistance, and we can survive without your personal efforts on our behalf. We are willing to make cuts wherever possible to remain intact. All we ask is a small contribution: Send us one of your fingers.

It needn't be a digit as important as your thumb, of course, or even a forefinger. We understand how critical these are across various careers and daily tasks, and we'd never require such a grand sacrifice. However, a severed pinky or ring finger might go a long way in our current crisis, and a well-preserved middle finger would undoubtedly aid our ongoing, tireless campaign.  

We hope you will consider more than just the temporary discomfort of losing a finger—or a toe, if you're so inclined, or indeed any other small appendage—in weighing this decision. If you think of the body, as we do, as something divinely branched, then you'll have to agree that it can spare a twig or two. Please don't hesitate to send your gift to the address included below.

With our utmost gratitude and admiration,

The Center for Healing