A classroom in any school in America [Southern California].
Today.

Cast

TEACH
ESMERALDA
SCOOT
DEAN
STEPH
RAND


i.

TEACH
Esmeralda, what you got there?

ESMERALDA
It's the New Horn, Teach. Strap it to your rear bumper and you can fend off any tailgater. Like in the commercials?

TEACH
I'm afraid I don't watch TV.

SCOOT
Oh of course you don't!

[Students erupt into laughter.]

TEACH
Simmer down, kids. Simmer!

DEAN
Teach, I got to piss.

TEACH
We all got to piss, Dean. Now where were we?

ESMERALDA
Where'd you get that tattoo anyway, Teach?

SCOOT
Must have hurt—it being on your face and all.

TEACH
Esmeralda, you've heard this story like a zillion times. You all have.

SCOOT
Tell it again!

ALL STUDENTS
Tell it! Tell it!

TEACH
All right, fine. But then we do some work. Deal?

ALL STUDENTS (effusive)
Deal!

TEACH
Okay, so—wait, Steph, what's that?

STEPH
Who, me?

TEACH
What's that you're playing with?

STEPH
It's a Franz Anton Mesmer doll.

TEACH
The father of modern hypnotism?

STEPH
I'd argue that it's really Dr. James Braid who deserves that title.

TEACH
It's quite dastardly of you to so openly undermine my authority, Steph. Not to mention impolite.

STEPH
Don't feed us your teleologies. Dr. Braid was a gentleman scientist. Mesmer was a quack.

TEACH
Then why'd you get a doll of him?

SCOOT
Come on, the doll's got a great look.

TEACH
What's gotten into all of you today?

ESMERALDA
What about your tattoo story, Teach?

ALL STUDENTS
Tell it! Tell it!

TEACH
I'm getting there—Rand, is that a birthday cake?

RAND
It is a birthday cake—for it's my birthday.

TEACH
Happy birthday, Rand. I'm sorry, I must not have written it down.

RAND
I didn't expect you to.

TEACH
And just what sort of cake is it, then?

RAND
It's a Baskin Robbins mint-chip ice cream cake.

TEACH
And is there enough for the whole class?

RAND
I suppose there is, if we cut it into very small pieces.

TEACH
How about we do just that?

RAND
We're not allowed to bring knives to school, Teach?

TEACH
You're not? Even with the express purpose of cutting cake?

DEAN
I got a knife, Teach.

TEACH
Toss it here, Dean.

[He tosses it to him. The class all gets cake.]


ii.

TEACH
Today's discussion is on—

SCOOT
Teach, tell us the one about how you got your tattoo.

TEACH
On my face?

SCOOT
Hell yeah, man.

ALL STUDENTS
Tell it! Tell it!

TEACH
Okay, sure, why not? Well—

ESMERALDA
Teach, don't freak but my watch is telling me the stock market just crashed.

DEAN
Oh God. Oh God.

TEACH
Settle down, everyone. I'm sure you're all diversified.

SCOOT
No way, Teach! I just buy the index!

TEACH
Uh oh.

DEAN
Is anything beating the market?

ESMERALDA
Procter & Gamble's still strong, at least for now.

RAND
Because they sell nooses.

TEACH
Procter & Gamble sells nooses?

RAND
Started last week.

SCOOT
What did they know?

ESMERALDA
I wonder what the school's invested in.

RAND
All the usual stuff. Pesticides. Conflict minerals.

TEACH
Anything else still okay?

ESMERALDA
REI?

RAND
They got nooses, too.

TEACH
They do?

RAND
Uh huh. Camping nooses.

STEPH
Well I say we all march on down to REI after class and get ourselves some nooses.

TEACH
Don't be rash, kids. Let me tell you the story of my face tattoo—I know you've all heard it but it's especially relevant today.

RAND
Noose!

ESMERALDA
Noose!

DEAN
Noose!

SCOOT
Let's go!

[The students all march out.]

TEACH
You're throwing your lives away for nothing! For nothing!

[Teach is all alone.]


iii.

TEACH
Da Vinci was an inventor but he was also a painter.

DEAN
Was he gay?

TEACH
Quite possibly.

STEPH
Do you think he had any tattoos?

TEACH
Quite possibly—it wasn't unheard of in his time.

SCOOT
You think he had a face tattoo?

TEACH
That was probably less common.

ESMERALDA
Teach, that reminds me! You still haven't told us your tattoo story.

TEACH
Well, you know, I really have. Many times.
 
ESMERALDA
I meant this week!

STEPH
You did promise us, Teach.

RAND
You did!

DEAN
Teach, I got to piss.

SCOOT
We all got to piss, man, come on, he's about to tell the story!

DEAN
He tells it all the time. I got a knife!

RAND
Big whoop, man. We all got knives at home. 

TEACH
Kids, simmer! I'll tell the story, okay? I know you want to hear it. And my telling it actually corresponds with a bump in your test scores every time, so it's good for all of us. 

RAND
Why's it good for you, Teach?

TEACH
Because it makes me feel like a part of the human family.  

STEPH
How quaint! 

ESMERALDA
Lay it on us.
 
TEACH
Okay, well, as you know—

[A fruit bat crashes into the window. The class screams in unison. Lights go down.]  


.