A frog, a hedgehog, and a wolf walk into a bar. The wolf puts her front paws up on a bar stool, the hedgehog sits on the next stool, and the frog climbs the wolf's back and leaps up to sit on the bar.

"What'll you have?" asks the bartender.

"Got anything that tastes like well water and a golden ball lost by a sadistic rich girl?" asks the frog.
   
"Sure," says the bartender, and pours him a shot of Goldschläger.
   
"I'll have a Shirley Temple," says Hans the hedgehog. "But do you have any recipes for cocktails to slightly poison your abusive parents? Asking for a friend."
   
"No," says the bartender, "but the witch who lives next door grows deadly nightshade in her garden. Just for the flowers, though. She's taking an online course to get certified as a master gardener."
   
"Good for her," says the hedgehog.
   
"Anything for you?" the bartender asks the wolf.
   
"I'm trying to be vegetarian," she says, "and I'm having a tough time. Does your Bloody Mary have any... you know... blood in it?"
   
"Nope," says the bartender.
   
"I'll have one anyway," says the wolf. "With extra pickles."
   
"Coming right up," says the bartender.
   
"What should we toast to?" says the frog.
   
"To surviving," says Hans the hedgehog, and they all drink to that.
   
They order round after round until the frog and the wolf are drunk, the hedgehog is slaphappy from grenadine and high-fructose corn syrup, and they devour a basket of cheesy fries and talk shit about their exes.

"I still feel bad for Princess #1," says Hans, "even though it was an honest mistake that my spines pricked her when we tried to make out."
   
"She and her dad did send all the kingdom's soldiers to try to kill you," the wolf reminds him, and they all agree that yeah, that was pretty messed up.
   
The wolf checks her phone and sees Red's new profile pic, where she has her arms around the woodcutter. The wolf sighs and says, "We used to be so in love," and the frog says, "Well, that new guy looks like an asshole, if you ask me," and the hedgehog agrees.

After midnight, the spoiled rich girl texts the frog, just "I miss you" followed by a gold crown emoji. His friends talk him out of writing back, saying, "Remember that time she tried to throw you against the wall? Remember?"
   
Finally Hans the hedgehog sneaks up to the karaoke MC and requests "Hungry Like the Wolf," just trolling his friend at this point, and the wolf rolls her eyes and makes a show of not wanting to take the mic, but then all three of them belt out the song together, the whole bar singing along with them, everybody a little too loud and sweaty and the MC turning on the fog machine, and honestly it feels so good to be with somebody who loves them for who they are, for once, not who they could be.

.

Read her postcard.





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