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Preservation
Tessa Yang
For many years after, I would believe I'd periodically woken, though the
researchers assured me this was not the case. That the memories I
retained—a shaggy dog laden with a tea tray, a voice crying out for more
milk—were just figments of dream. I had been asleep the whole time.
As soon as the grogginess cleared, I asked for you by name.
"One thing at a time," said the woman aiming a flashlight into my eyes.
Her breath smelled citrusy. The thought struck me that I hadn't tasted a
piece of fruit in over a year. "Can you get up for me? Slowly, now. That's
a good girl."
The woman had me stand on my tiptoes, pace back and forth, and touch my
fingertip to my nose. She recorded my height and weight on her clipboard.
She asked me:
Did I remember my name?
Did I know what year it was?
Did I know where I was?
"Don't you think," I said, "I would be asking a lot more questions if I
didn't know where I was?"
You were somewhere in this building. Maybe right on the other side of this
wall. We had gone under together on January 11, 2015. We had slept through
the beginnings of the refugee crisis. The nuclear deal with Iran. Another
researcher would explain this to me later, offering a 2015 calendar with
significant events marked in bold.
After changing into a fresh pair of clothes, I was led into a room I
recognized as the clinic's cafeteria. The room was crowded with other
study participants and the family that had arrived to greet them. I had no
family. All I had was you. At sixteen we had run away from our parents'
neighboring apple farms after your brother found us kissing in a nest of
rotten Honeycrisps. The cops dragged us back. A year later, we repeated
our stunt. This time no one came looking.
You were the one who found the study. Something to do with coma patient
care. Participants could earn up to six grand. We were broke, sharing a
studio above a beauty salon. The acetone fumes made us giddy. What was one
year of our lives, sacrificed in the name of science? Sliding the warmth
of our legs together beneath the cool sheets, we speculated on how the
world might be a better place when we awoke. Marriage equality. Hover
cars. Clean energy.
When I couldn't locate you in the cafeteria, I hailed a woman in a lab
coat, who took me to an office where she consulted a computer and informed
me the name Lily Wilson did not appear on the study's list.
"That's impossible." Panic sat strangely in my belly after all those
months of quiet repose. "She went through the preliminary testing with me.
We came on the same day."
The woman frowned and began typing again. "Did you say you were family?"
"What does that matter?"
"The confidentiality agreement—"
"Please," I said. "Just tell me what happened."
There must have been something in my voice. A crack of desperation. A lilt
that reminded her of her own daughter. She had no obligation to tell me.
She could have maintained her silence, called security to haul me away
shrieking, and I would be here, Lily, eight years later, wondering still
what they had done to you. How they had managed to separate us, whose
union had seemed unquestionable since the time we were tiny children.
The researchers had turned you down. They had done it to hundreds of other
eager participants. We'd seen them stumping out of the clinic's lobby and
had fluttered our fingers in farewell. You told me nothing of this. When
you signed on for a new study—run by the same research center but riskier,
more lucrative—you told me nothing of this, either. On January 10, 2015,
you hugged me goodbye. I was already wearing the mint green polyester
pajamas. Then you went to the research compound next door for your own
prep. The study was on cryonics. Extended live-body preservation. Most
participants had signed on for one to two years. You had put yourself down
for ten.
Lily, I am twenty-seven now. Studies like ours have become popular.
Advertisements plaster the subways in colorful squares. Broke high
schoolers go under to pay for college. Gamblers sleep away their debts.
Protesters gather outside every clinic, railing against the exploitation
of the poor. On TV, politicians gather to debate the ethics. My wife is
one of these. I like to mute the news show and imagine her moving lips
relay a silent message just for me. Her influence bought me what I have
striven for these past eight years: an appointment with your body, sealed
in winter behind glass. Your face is the face of a nineteen-year-old. The
hair has been shaved from your scalp. The researchers have rigged the tank
that contains you with a set of speakers, through which they periodically
blast opera music. Part of the study, I'm told. To see what the wakened
brain might recall.
If I scrutinize your face for days, maybe I'll know why you did it. A
memory will surface: I'll recall some comment you made over dinner about
your exhaustion, your fear that the world was tipping into hate, your
desire to put the years away like a cursed heirloom on a high shelf. But I
don't have days. I have minutes, and your cold features are giving nothing
away.
So I decide to speak. If you're dreaming, and if my voice has any
influence over those dreams, I want them to be sweet. I tell you that
nuclear weapons have been eliminated. That every refugee has found a home.
That we have hover cars that run on clean energy. You should see them
after sundown: how they sector the night into bands of dazzling brightness
and the darkness that falls between.
Tessa Yang's stories have appeared in Joyland, Juked, SmokeLong Quarterly and others.
She teaches creative writing at Earlham College.
"Preservation" is a Finalist for the 2019 Mythic Picnic Prize in Fiction.
Detail of photo on main page courtesy
of Jacob Surland.
W i g l e a f
09-01-18
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