Dear Wigleaf:
 
I trust you're well. You certainly look it, what with all that bedazzled denim you keep wearing in your constantly-updated Facebook profile pictures.
 
I'm writing you today to solicit a referral: I need the name of a reputable crossbow retailer in the greater Pigeon Forge, TN area, and quick. My wife and I are on the hunt for an identity thief whose last known whereabouts were just north of the Great Smoky Mountains, and I'm afraid conventional weaponry just isn't going to cut it this time.
 
And, if you're thinking about the Dick's Sporting Goods off of Route 73, don't bother. I've called ahead and their selection is abysmal.
 
Many advance thanks,
 
TM