It Will Never Be Deep Enough
My party is over. Did you have a good time. It's important to me that
you had a good time, and that everyone had a good time. I'm lying. It's
important to me that you had a great time and that everyone had a great
time and everyone got kissed. That includes me. Especially me. Ha.
Don't clean up. Sit with me, Garcia. I need you to sit with me. I need
to tell you things. Is that all right with you.
I can hear Sam Cooke smile when he says, "Oh, I like this song" when he
sings "Sentimental Reasons" live at Harlem Square.
I can hear Carole King remember a time she had great sex when she
sings, "You make me feel so good inside" during "A Natural Woman."
Do you have someone. Do you like her. What does she look like. Does she
have long hair. What are her measurements. Why do you cheat on her. Am
I getting too personal.
I think you don't really love her. I think she boosts your ego because
she's beautiful. You like people to see you with her. You get another
boost from cheating on her. The more improbable the affair the better.
That's nothing. One time at three in the morning I called the fire
department because my carbon monoxide alarm was going off. I figured it
just needed a new battery but I also figured it wouldn't hurt to call
the fire department. Since it was so early in the morning all the men
on call were young guys so I had my choice. I chose two.
Do you think Ava had fun at the party. Do you think Van had fun. Do you
think the food was gross. I failed at the quiche but I know the French
toast was perfect.
Do you have hopes. Do you have dreams. Do you have goals. Are they in
I have a hope that I'll be loved by everyone and a dream that I'll stop
Ava doesn't like me. I think she's intimidated by me because guys dig
me and I know it. She doesn't like that I know it so she gets
competitive. That's why she came with Van to the party. Van is my ex. I
invited him and I invited her but I didn't invite them together. But
she came with him. I don't care. She left with him.
Oh, you're funny.
You shirt tag is sticking out. There. Now you're perfect.
Who is the prettiest woman you've ever been with. Is she still pretty.
That's a terrible thing to say.
Thirty-six. Is that a lot. How many people have you been with. I
thought it would be more. You seem like you had a part of your life
where you needed a lot of validation. I did. I had that part of my
I'm surprised so many people came to my party. Every person I invited
Do you experience tiny devastations.
I can't get through the day without being devastated by little things,
like seeing a large tree that's sick or meeting an adorable dog that
Did you talk to Van at all. Do you think Ava is in love with him.
I always feel blue after a party. I just want to listen to Gram Parsons
and drink sherry. I know sherry isn't a thing to drink but I drink it.
I like to curl up in that chair by the ficus. I made that chair out of
a pallet. It's really comfortable. Go ahead, sit in it.
Do you like chairs. Do you like reading dystopian novels and drinking
Irish coffee while sitting in chairs. I thought so.
Van doesn't own any chairs. Well, he has one but it's also a stool. You
can't trust a guy who doesn't have chairs. You can't trust him to be
generous about your comfort. If he doesn't have a chair then he can't
contemplate. He comes across as contemplative but you know he has a
book of questions underneath his bed. You know, that little pocket book
called The Book of Questions.
You have very nice hands. You have a nice thumb. It's a solid thumb,
has got some true heft to it.
My hands are too big for me. They're not man hands but they
are out of proportion. I clench my hands into fists when someone takes
my picture, but not too tight, because then I'd come across as strict.
Sometimes I hold my hands in front of me but then I look like I had a
Catholic upbringing and that's not the look I'm going for.
I guess I try to go for a rebellious look. A thoughtful rebellion.
What kind of look do you cultivate. Oh, you nailed it. I especially
like your plaid pants.
Why won't you stay. You shouldn't be with her anyway. You don't even
like her. Well, you don't even love her.
I want to throw another party. Not a dinner party like this midnight
brunch, but a dance party. I want no one to come with anyone else. I
want everyone to wear a skirt, even the men, especially the men, and I
want to serve candy and play Bee Gees. I want to play "How Deep Is Your
Love" over and over. I want there to be dancing.
You'd have to dance. No one would rather die than dance. Would you
rather die than leave. Good.
I think the most romantic way to be loved is to death. I want
someone to love me with so much of their heart that their heart stops.
Has anyone ever loved you to death. Do you think someone
could. Do you think you could love someone to death. Do you think it's
impossible for everyone. Do you think it's impossible for me.
Jane Liddle lives in Brooklyn. She has stories in or coming from Two Serious Ladies, Whiskey Paper, Heavy Feather Review
Read more of her work in the archive.
Detail of collage on main page courtesy
of Joana Coccarelli.
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