When I Am Fifteen I Will Not Fall in Love
Roxane Gay

There are only five days left here at camp. Yesterday we made macaroni necklaces and spray painted them with gold glitter. I thought it was a joke but the camp director enjoys living in the past and he has a thing for macaroni jewelry. You would not believe the bracelet he wears. Later we went swimming because it was so hot and no one wanted to do anything but stay in the water, which wasn't cold anyway. I mostly lay on the floating dock in the middle of the lake. Bobby Tenutti lay next to me and kept trying to cop a feel by sliding his hands beneath my bikini bottoms. I pretended I was asleep. The food is terrible but that has been pretty great because I've lost so much weight. I can totally see my ribs. My tan is killer too. Angela Maretti is going to be so jealous when she sees me on the first day of school. I look like a California girl. I spend a lot of my time in the bathroom turning around in front of the mirror. I look hot. I know because Bobby Tenutti tells me so when we're on the dock, floating in the hot sun and I'm pretending to be asleep while he fingers me. Last night we were all sitting around the campfire and Bobby Tenutti was sitting real close to me and I could smell smoke on his breath. The counselors were all totally wasted and making out with each other and we were watching them. It felt like Health class but it was gross because they're like 20, so old. Anyway, Bobby whispered in my ear that he wanted to make it with me and I pretended not to hear him so he leaned in even closer and his lips on my neck, I can't even tell you how good that felt. He stood and held his hand out to me and I took it. We went behind the Otter Cabin where everyone goes to drink and fuck and Bobby Tenutti pushed me up against the hard wood and it took my breath away. When we first kissed it was kind of sloppy but then I started running my fingers through his hair and he relaxed a little and started kissing me more softly. He tasted like grape gum and the campfire. I slid my hands beneath Bobby Tenutti's shirt and he started trembling. I liked that, knowing I could make him want me like that. When I slid my hand into his shorts, he was so hard. I squeezed him and I said, "It's not polite to finger a girl while she's sleeping," and he said, "You weren't sleeping" and then we fell to the ground and his legs were surprisingly strong as they pushed mine apart. The sex wasn't that great but when Bobby Tenutti was inside me he looked like the most beautiful boy in the world.

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