I was in the kitchen when the Morton's Salt Girl started talking to me.

"You really shouldn't do that," she said to me, under her parasol.

"Huh?" I said.

"He's cheating on you," she said.  "And you're embarrassing yourself."

I picked up the canister and started shaking salt into my fist.

"Bitch," she said, while I put the canister back on the shelf. "But seriously."

"I know," I said, stirring the water.

"Wouldn't it be more fun without him?" she said to me, looking up from her raining umbrella like she knows anything. "I mean, what happened to women's lib and all that? Mutiny. Take over the stove."

"Funny, coming from an icon," I said.

She said, "At least I'm getting paid."